So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
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You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
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There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.