I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
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For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.