Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.