I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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