I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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