Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
