haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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