i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
