I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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