You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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