I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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