the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
