If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
