I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
