Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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