My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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