I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
