Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
