that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
