im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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