I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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