Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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