i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
