I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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