dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
