Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
porn star boner night. come get it.
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The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
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Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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