I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
