Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
