So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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