I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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