apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
