i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It's blow job season.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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