I can't breathe out the right side of my face
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
