I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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