Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
