In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
