We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
he was CRYING into my vagina
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
