she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I feel like death gave me a hand job
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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