His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
