i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
