You're my little dorito
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
