At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
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diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
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Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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