okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
