I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
