So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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