I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
