dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
