sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
