I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
