On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
