ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
