who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
