I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
