Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
