i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
