I just saw a hot homeless man
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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