you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
