A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
