i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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