I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
