bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
